Poured my heart out: flowing tears

I battled today, like every day.

I knew anxiety was coming, took my Xanax, but came over to my parents straight away.

I slept after Xanax.

I woke up, knew I still had anxiety but still got in my car and went to my therapist. While there, I kept getting heat waves. I was sweating profusely and wanted to run away but sat through it and simply asked for a cup of water.

My session started. And so did the tears.

I cried because I’m exhausted from anxiety. I cried because something from my past still hurts. I cried because I feel weak and hopeless at times. I cried because I felt in a safe space.

Got through the therapy, wholeheartedly hugged my therapist and left CENPIS with my mind set on going to my guitar class.

I started studying Fade to Black (Metallica) with my teacher. A masterpiece that moves every chord of my soul and that I’ve been wanting to play since forever.

I felt overjoyed when the first notes started resonating. But I was tense and still anxious and my teacher felt it.

I had an ugly conversation with my sister – again – that hurt me deeply. She accuses me of being selfish for wanting my parents around. She tells me I enjoy being in this state so I don’t have to work on being a better person. My mother is a hard love kind of person and so she hardly ever misses on an opportunity to use despicable terms for defining my weaknesses. The only support I perceive is from my father – an old, wise and motherly man.

I feel very lonely in my battle.

I don’t want to rely on my partner and burden him.

I don’t want my daughter to think her mother is too weak to be her support system.

I don’t want to give in.

I want to win this battle and will keep on fighting with every inch of my mind and body but sometimes it gets hard. Very hard.