Duloxetine: day 1

As of today, I’m fully on my new therapy:

• One duloxetine 30mg tab in the morning
• One quetiapine 25mg tab in the evening

I woke up feeling well today. Or rather, serene. No tight stomach (finally), no nausea, no clenching muscles.

Prepped my girl’s lunchbox, fed the pets, changed bed sheets and took our puppy out for his morning walk grabbing a coffee along the way.

0740 came – time to drive to school.

Before going, I decided to take my duloxetine tab. I was eager to start the full treatment as I’m quite fed up with anxiety.

Started feeling jittery while driving. I’m 100% aware I was subconsciously freaking out because I had taken a new medication. Given the doctor has allowed me to, I took a Xanax tab to cope with the discomfort and after driving my girl to school, I went for blood tests and then came to my parents.

Nothing wrong with anything I’ve done right? Yet I apparently have this rooted belief in me that I must be alone and strong and happy at all times and so every time I come here, I feel like I failed myself a little.

I love my parents, I love talks with my dad, but the real truth of me coming over is the sense of protection I get from being in their presence. My mind says nothing bad could ever happen to you while you’re in a safe place. My house is (or at least should be) a safe place too. I love that apartment of mine, I put my whole heart into decorating it and making it homey for my daughter and me. My anxious brain though projects thoughts like:

• You’ll feel sick and no one will know about it
• You’ll lose control of your mind and do stupid things
• You’ll start feeling anxious, sweating profusely and be unable to eat anything

Yup – it’s Generalized Anxiety 100%.

I know it. I know it can’t hurt me, yet I fear it.

So going back to my initial statement, I started duloxetine.

How am I honestly feeling: mentally clear, managed getting a good amount of work done after taking a small nap but nervous. I took another Xanax tab just a few minutes ago.

I have one thought that’s been causing me great distress: should I stay or should I go, as the song said ☺️

Where? In my house. The safe space I created for myself and daughter. Why am I questioning? Because my parents will be traveling on June 8th and the thought of not having the safety net of my neighbors – because yes, we’re also neighbors – causes me massive distress.

My heart tells me:

• You’re a 37 year old professional with a child, three pets and a loving partner. Your life is in Rome, stay where you are and enjoy your days with your daughter at the club;

My mind tells me:

• Your mind hasn’t yet adapted to the new substance. You’re gonna feel quivery, freak out probably, lose all sort of control on your mind and get your daughter scared and concerned while also ruining her days.

Who should I listen to? Thursday I meet my therapist. I kinda feel like I know what she’ll tell me because it’s what I’ve been telling myself as well (follow your heart, everything will be okay).

Thoughts anyone?