No more sickness talk: reaction burning inside

Ciao readers,

It’s been a few days since I last wrote. It’s been a few tough days.

A few days back I had a massive panic attack while driving to go pick my girl from school: started shaking uncontrollably, short breath, confused thinking and the general discomfort I feel when panic strikes.

I managed reaching school although my mind kept projecting the idea that I’d pass out while driving and forget my daughter in school.

I picked her up, we went to the navy’s club but unfortunately it was close and so we drove back. On the way back, anxiety hit me again: I was driving and had my daughter with me. The fear of failing hit me again. And so we came to my safety net: my parents place where I broke down into a “scream like” crying frenzy, sobbing desperately and feeling completely defeated.

This occurred in front of my daughter.

I later sat down with her and explained the struggles I’m dealing with right now.

Just going through that whole day again right now makes me feel slightly nauseous and sick. Horrible, truly.

And so I came to a realization today: I no longer want to be pitied. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t want anyone to care for me like I’m a child.

I’m battling this and will come through. I’m focused on my therapy, I’m sticking to my prescribed meds and I have a burning desire in me to REACT and stop feeling sick.

I am not sick. I just got my blood works done and everything is perfectly fine. I have a dysfunctional way of perceiving and living both internal and external worlds and that’s exactly why I do therapy.

I trust my therapist wholeheartedly. She’s tough and sometimes our sessions are heavy on my heart and mind but I know for a fact that – by collaborating meticulously with her – I’ll become the person I want to be.

The person I want to be is not any different than the person I am: I just want to break once and for all my patterns: anxiety —> fear —-> search for reassurance —> avoidance of situations.

I want this blog to become a source of strength and positivity for whoever crosses it – starting with myself.

It’s gonna be a busy day today with my girl once I finish working and I want to be present to myself and daughter through it all. If shit goes down, I have my Xanax 0.50 with me.

Done deal.

Fucking react.

Sharing a picture of me a few years ago – the person I want to go back to being.