Sun and Xanax: perhaps not the best combo

Ciao readers,

Woke up feeling quite okay this morning and felt grateful that duloxetine is slowly starting to kick in.

However my stomach was tied in a knot and I had to force myself to have breakfast. Regardless, I was keen on going to the club with my daughter so she could spend a nice day by the pool and so we went.

Anticipatory anxiety led me to taking Xanax early morning. Reached the club, got us a nice spot in the shade and went immediately for a swim.

During lunch my partner arrived and so did anxiety. I believe the core reason was the awareness that him and my daughter don’t really get along. My daughter is very jealous of me and very critical of him. He’s a quite strict man and displays signs of low tolerance to certain attitudes she has at times. And so most of the times I’m with the both of them, I feel a little uncomfortable.

Anxiety was peaking badly so I took a second Xanax tab and boy did it make me sleepy. My daughter was playing in the water with her friends and didn’t notice I slept for hours.

Once I woke up, or rather was woken up, I knew something was off. I felt weak, dizzy, anxious and scared at the thought of driving us back. I believe my blood pressure had dropped: combination of sun exposure and benzo.

But for once I did something different: I refused to be escorted, I bought myself a can of coke and got into the car with my girl. We chit chatted the whole way, I didn’t call anyone for reassurance and came to our house instead of running to my parents.

Once home, I texted my therapist and told her everything. Sat on the couch for a while with my girl, lifted my legs up after explaining to her my pressure had slightly shot down and kept speaking to my therapist.

20 minutes later I was in the shower.

Im clean, fresh and dressed up neatly. So is she. I did laundry, I cleaned the cats’ litter and emptied our beach bags.

Im proud of two things:

• Facing my fear by myself;
• Finding comfort in my own home. The home I tend to run away from when feeling quivery. The home I put so much love in the making of it. The home that has a little something I love in every corner of it. The home that was a huge economic sacrifice for me. The home I so badly wanted for me, my beautiful girl and our pets.

I want to stop running away.

I want to stop feeling anxious.

I want to stop fearing anxiety.

And so I’m meticulous abiding by my therapist’s exercises, no matter how I feel, and by my psychiatrist’s prescriptions.

Faith.

Patience.

Love.

Acceptance.

Resilience.

The principles I want to live by. Perhaps I should put more effort on the acceptance. We’ll get there. Baby steps.